My mom turned 90 in style with a big family party. Even more birthday cards arrived after this photo was taken.
My mom has had three trips to the Emergency Department already this year. She’s had twice as many falls. Every time the telephone rings, I tense up. It’s often a nurse, and it’s often bad news.
In the final months of my father’s life, when he was in assisted living an hour away and Mom was living with us and needing around-the-clock attention, I posted frequently on social media. It was my outlet, my way to process and communicate with friends far away.
One time I posted that I felt like Dad was being left out and so I managed to squeeze in a short trip up the mountain to see him, even though I was tired and stressed with caring for Mom.
The responses I received made me feel loved and cared about. My friends gave me strength and courage to keep going.
Some friends would affirm my decision.
“You’ll never regret spending time with him.”
“You will always be glad you took the time to visit him.”
“What you are doing is holy work and it’s important.”
Other friends would offer me an excuse, a way to let myself off the hook.
“You have done enough, more than most children would do.”
“Nobody will fault you. Anybody will understand if you don’t go next time.”
“You’re paying for assisted living. They are there for your dad so you don’t need to be.”
As I read their responses, I noticed a difference in who wrote them.
The first group had been caregivers themselves, sometimes many years earlier. Their input counted more for me because they’d lived it. They’d done it; they’d suffered; they knew what it’s all about. And they could speak from certainty about how to give care with grace.
It also told me that they did not regret their own choices, years later. They’d given of themselves sacrificially, and they’re still glad they did.
That doesn’t mean the second group got it wrong. I appreciate what they had to say. These friends’ concern was for me. They were encouraging me to take a break and remove some of the burden from my shoulders.
The trick is balance. As a caregiver, if you don’t take care of your physical and emotional health, you won’t be able to be there for your person. You need to find an equilibrium that works for you. I need to make sure my husband and I get some time together. And that I get some time alone.
The second group was trying to tell me it doesn’t need to always be up to me, alone. There are times I cannot go and do, for a host of reasons. When those times arise, I will entrust my mom to the Lord and try not to worry.
I’m not the one in control here.
But for now, for this season, caregiving is my calling. I am certain this is what the Lord wants me to do.
And so I will continue to go to the hospital, visit the assisted living. I will keep going and doing and giving, because it’s the right thing. It’s my mom. I don’t want to miss this final and sacred chapter of her life.
All we can do is show up. We try to be cheerful and helpful, to treat our loved one with grace and dignity. Caregivers, if we can do that, we’ll have no regrets.
Never easy to care for a loved one but in the end it surely gives you a new outlook on life. Makes you appreciate the little things. So many out there don’t think it’s their job or place to care for their parent/s. I was honored and blessed to care for my mom.
Blessings to you.
I know you were, Brenda. I can hear it in your words. I also know you were a blessing to your mom.
Oh Taryn — You are hearing God’s voice as HE leads you. And you are hearing and responding wisely. My heart hurts for you as you go through this yet one thing I know, my dear friend……. YOU WILL NEVER REGRET BEING THERE FOR YOUR MOM RIGHT NOW . Never!!!!!!There is such a sweetness in your our heart that will stay forever because you were there. ! It is an exhausting road( grateful she is getting good care in the nursing home) and this is one of the most difficult things you will do. You will feel privileged and honored to be laying your life down now. I promise you. And I agree with your kind friends who know you need to rest,too,and you can’t do it all. But keep giving when you can ,Taryn . You are honoring your Mom . There is a deep ,deep joy you will experience from The Lord— now and when her Heavenly Father takes her Home. I am praying for you,dear one.🙏🏻❤️🌸
Oh, Sue, you’re one of the clearest voices I’ve heard encouraging me toward the joy and privilege there is in traveling this hard road. I know you will never regret having been there for your parents. Thank you for your prayers and your encouragement. Mom and I love you.
What unconditional love you are living out! You are doing it all by faith which is stored up in Heaven to be laid at His feet. A good reminder for us all in waking by faith and not by sight. Much love, Taryn. Sue
Thank you, Sue. Much love to you, too.
Beautifully written. I appreciate your encouragement as I find myself entering the caregiver’s role. Im sending Much love your way! ♥️
And I’m sending that love right back at you. I didn’t realize you were entering the caregiver’s role. We must talk. Thanks for your encouragement.